When someone “defines" your reality, they try to control you, even if they don’t realize it. If they define you subtly, they pretend to know the unknowable. They speculate through their words and actions. Sometimes they are unaware that they are playing a "let's pretend-superiority game" of I know more about you than you do." They fool themselves and try to convince you that what they see and say about you is accurate and correct.
Control is a big problem in relationships, romantic, professional, and friendships. When people control you, they assume they know your reality and purpose. They don’t respect you the way you are. They want to change you, make you different and more similar to your image. What gall and audacity you must fit into their ideas to be accepted.
Control can be subtle and hidden behind the pretense of help, advice, a suggestion, or a joke. But it is none of those things; it is a conscious or subconscious attempt to rip out your soul while putting in a new one. A soul described and created by a mere brash or narcissistic person.
But you must discern and recognize controlling people and stand up to them. The controller must lose. They must fail to replace your inner self with the one they create. (I’m not talking about a loving comment that helps you become a better person. You must know the difference).
The problem is that most people don't recognize controlling people. Why? Because most controllers are expert and subtle in their approaches. They have refined their techniques over many years and take over when you least expect it. If they win, the real you is gone or hidden away, sometimes for years. It can take some people an inordinate amount of time to rediscover their true selves after leaving a controller's orbit.
Controllers replace your inner image with their fantasy of who you should be or what you should do. They put themselves in God's place. You become whom they need you to be.
Controllers are hard to spot and can turn the tables on you. When a Controller hears a plea such as, 'Please don't talk to me like that,' the controller will usually say something like, 'I don't need to be attacked like that,' or, incredibly, 'You're trying to control me,' or ‘I don’t know why you have to start a fight just when everything’s going fine. Just be and do what I want you to.’" (Hahaha)!
Are you making excuses for their behavior? Do you say, "It was well-meant? They were giving me some advice. They want me to accomplish all the things I need to. They want me to think about how I behave. "If they don't tell me, no one else will; they were just kidding or being nice."
People under the enchantment of a controller are often just that—under a spell. They may start believing the controller's stories and can no longer find themselves within their collection of illusions.
Waking up from the spell and finding your true self and purpose can be done if you are willing and courageous. Yes, begin by setting a few boundaries. Separate their reality from yours. Be unwilling to follow or allow anyone who interferes with your mental health. Only let God tell you who you are.
See the spell for what it is by remembering how you fell under it. Courageously face how your need for connection led to people-pleasing. Find the strength to stand on your own two feet, apart from them. Learn to connect with healthy souls.
The greatest joy is to be all God created you to be. He knows the beautiful truth about you! Mental and spiritual awareness will help you break an unfruitful relationship with a dictator, then become your authentic self aligning with the truth.